Brain Insult
“Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
Donations To The United Way
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.
“Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way.”
The lawyer said, “First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh, no.”
“Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, “Uh, no.”
“Third, do you realize that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?”
The United Way rep was humiliated. “No, sir. I had no idea.”
The lawyer concluded, “Well, then. If I don’t give any money to them, why do you think I’d give any to you?!”
Jokes by Category
Latest Funny Jokes
Woman Mechanic
WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor!”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
WIFE: “In the pool.”
Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’?
Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’?
A: A divorce lawyer.
Kinds Of Doctors
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.
Quotes On Sex
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
* Tom Clancy
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
* Steve Martin
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
* Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
* Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
* Lynn Lavner
“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
* Matt Barry
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
* Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
* George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
* Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.”
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Thyroid problem?’”
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
* Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
* Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)
“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
* Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
* Roseanne
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
* Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
* Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
* Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think,’I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”
* Jerry Seinfeld
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
* Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
* Robin Williams