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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Engineer as a Designer of the Human Body

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Latest Funny Jokes

Smart Sex

Why are men so smart during sex?

Cause they’re plugged into a genius!

Friend from planet Zog!

(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*

The Parrot Joke

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot!

Sign in the restroom

Sign in the restroom, above the urinal:
We know you’re in the rush
But please, don’t forget to flush.

This inspired me to a new verse:
Feel the bliss,
As you piss.
In that peace,
Flush it, please.

The 12 marriages

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!