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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Finish the start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Latest Funny Jokes

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says, “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

Bright Side

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

Stories

What do peanut butter and jelly do around the campfire?
They tell toast stories.

2 men on an ladder

“Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!”
“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

Light bulb

Q: How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine to stand around and say, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”