How Do You Like That
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I’m not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”
More Fun With Actors
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, “I could have done it better.”
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn’t the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb’s motivation…
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
Redneck Top Ten
1) You’ve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
2) Your wife’s hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You’ve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes
“In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno
“Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ‘Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'” —Craig Kilborn
“There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart
“Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman
“Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: “While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno
“More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno
“As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno
“In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno
“Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman
“Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart
“On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman
“Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.”
One day a father called his 6 children together and asked,
“Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?”
In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”