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Funny Jokes

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Four Men and Their Dog

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Latest Funny Jokes

Interviewing 3 Old Men

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked. The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“I’m 93,” said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. “I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I’m 91,” said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. “I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.” 

“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the third man.

Four Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of
twins!”

“What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”

The nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of
triplets!”

“Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!”

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to
quadruplets.

“Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!”

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what’s wrong.

“What’s wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!”

Pre-med Upstart

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives.” The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

Search and Destroy

What is the thing that you keep on looking for and when you find it you throw it away?

A booger.

Ring my bell

In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.

“I want a woman,” he says.

“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”