Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Gangster family

A policemen stops a car.
Driver, “Is anything wrong, officer?”
Policeman, “No, we just wanted to reward you for being the 100.000th car driving on this new highway.”
Driver, “Thank God! I thought you are going to ask me for my driving license, ’cause I don’t have one, you know…”
Driver’s Wife, “Don’t belive him anything he says. He’s completely drunk!”
Grandpa on the back seat, “I knew we won’t come far with this stolen car!”
Sonny from the trunk, “Have we crossed the border, yet?”

Latest Funny Jokes

How was school today?

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

Former Doctor

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

Out of T.P.

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ”He isn’t here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.” By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ”You’re sure he isn’t here?”

The bartender says, ”Yes, I’m very sure.”

The lady says, ”Well, I just wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the women’s restroom.”

Pre-med Upstart

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this stuff?”

“To save lives.” The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.

“It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.

Gorilla golf

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that!” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded,”Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”