Actual Medical Chart Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently “widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?
The Perfect Husband
Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”
“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”
“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”
“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”
“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”
The Dark Side of the Force
The Dark Side of the Force lies in your shorts, where the sun never shines!
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”