An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
A bunch of guys are sailing across the ocean. It’s been a few days out at sea and already one guy starts getting horny, so he goes to the captain and asks what he should do. The captain tells him, “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it. We just use that.”
The guy decides that’s a pretty good idea, so he goes over to the barrel and starts humping it. Much to his surprise, he enjoys the act thoroughly, so when he’s done he goes over to his captain. “Man,” he says, “that was exactly what I needed! Is there a limit on how often I can do that?”
The captain replies, “Any time other than Tuesdays.”
The guy asks, “Why not Tuesdays?”
The captain says, “’Cause that’s your day in the barrel!”
Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re pigs.
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. “I’m thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England,” he said.
“What on earth for?” his wife asked.
“It might make them feel good to see what it’s like to drive on the left side of the road-legally.”
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of
“What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of
“Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!”
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to
“Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
“What’s wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!”