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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Gorilla golf

A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”

Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”

When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.

Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.

The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that!” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”

As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”

The trainer responded,”Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Foreign Student

It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F—–g Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,”

At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke!” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah! Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”

What is yellow and dangerous?

Q: What is yellow and dangerous?

A: Pike infested custard.

Squealing Like A Stuck Boyfriend

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, “Quick, go get help!”
She says, “I can’t, I’m naked.”

He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her “lower parts” and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, “Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.”

The truck driver replies, “Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!”

Fairy tales

“Mommy,” Little Johnny asked, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’?”
“No, dear,” she replied. “Sometimes they start with ‘Darling, I’ll be working late at the office tonight…’ “

SMS

She sends him a SMS message:
– My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
– I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?