A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”
“Male,” he replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”
The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, its not your fault that the dog died. Hes probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here.”
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”
The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” the guy said.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
Q: Whats the difference between a bull and a cow?
A: A bull smiles when you milk it.