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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Halloween Costume

Sam is very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, so when he receives an invitation to a Halloween Ball, he wants to wear a costume that will hide or minimize both. He dashes off a note to Brooks Brothers, explaining his need and his concerns, and in a few days receives a package with the following note.

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a pirate costume. The red handkerchief will cover your bald head, and your wooden leg will look like part of the costume.”

Sam is furious with their ‘solution’, and returns the parcel, saying he is trying to HIDE his peg leg…not call attention to it.

The next week, he receives a second package and a note:

“Dear Sir: We apologize if we appeared insensitive to your concern. 
Enclosed is a monk’s habit. The long robe will hide your leg, and your bald head will look to be part of your costume.”

Enraged, Sam returns the costume with a nasty note, saying they are idiots for calling attention to his bald head.

The following day, he receives a small parcel by courier with a note which reads:

“Dear Sir: Enclosed is a jar of caramel. Pour it over your bald head, 
stick your peg leg up your ass, and go as a candy apple.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Indian’s Island

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

* No Taxes…
* No Debt…
* Plenty Buffalo…
* Plenty beaver!
* Women did most of the work.
* Medicine Man free!
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
* White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Sign in the restroom

Sign in the restroom, above the urinal:
We know you’re in the rush
But please, don’t forget to flush.

This inspired me to a new verse:
Feel the bliss,
As you piss.
In that peace,
Flush it, please.

Voice

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, “Go to Harrah’s.”

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah’s. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, “Go to the roulette table.” The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, “Dang it…”

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Airline Food

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, “What are my choices?”

And she said, “Yes or no.”