Shopping More Interesting
Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,’I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.
6. Move ‘CAUTION WET FLOOR’ signs to carpetted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone?’
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti depressant prescriptions?
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again’.
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ……’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!
What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.
Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, “Yes.”
At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M’s for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M’s.
She said,”Yes but, don’t eat too many — it’s almost dinner.” She poured a small amount into his hand.
Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M’s. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.
Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.
Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,”Johnny, what are you doing?”
Johnny replies,”I’m playing truck driver.”
She says,”Truck driver? Can you explain?” Johnny says,”Yes, I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!”
Translating Male Phrases
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means… “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means… “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means… “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”