A blind man was describing his favorite sport – skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered, “Oh, my dog’s leash goes slack.”
Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, “Yes.”
At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M’s for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M’s.
She said,”Yes but, don’t eat too many — it’s almost dinner.” She poured a small amount into his hand.
Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M’s. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.
Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.
Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,”Johnny, what are you doing?”
Johnny replies,”I’m playing truck driver.”
She says,”Truck driver? Can you explain?” Johnny says,”Yes, I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!”
Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?”
The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”
The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she replied,
“Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.” The last baby walked up to her and said, “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.”
The mother replied, “Please be quiet, Fridge.”
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”
Baseball in heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”