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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Hearing Vs. Listening

What a woman says:

Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears:

C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Latest Funny Jokes

Psychiatrists Meeting Joke

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them got together after to chat
about the convention. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their
guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear
each other out?”

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients
out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them
for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I
try, I can’t keep a secret…”

If I Had A Hammer

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ”You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”

The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”

The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”

The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”

Hearing Vs. Listening

What a woman says:

Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears:

C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

A Moral Question

This is a completely hypothetical situation that must be answered according to your morals:

Pretend that you’re a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you’re wandering around looking for a good shot, you see George W. Bush in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so he won’t get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue him or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?

The Farmer Joke

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife
fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”