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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

How Do You Like That

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I’m not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

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Police cars

Q: ‘Why does police drive white/blue cars with red/blue lights with a big police sign in the back?’
A: ‘So they don’t chase each other..’

PSST…

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

“Dead,” she was informed.

“How do you know?”, she asked.

“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”

Stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Einstein Joke, Talks With God

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Cinderella’s Night Out

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
”First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you’re not home by 2 AM, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees, but she doesn’t roll in until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

”Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. ”Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!”

”I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

”I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

”I can’t remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other…”