Baseball in heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
The well behaved son
Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn’t he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.
Where Are We
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”
Quotes On Sex
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
* Tom Clancy
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
* Steve Martin
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
* Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
* Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
* Lynn Lavner
“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
* Matt Barry
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
* Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
* George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
* Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.”
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Thyroid problem?’”
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
* Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
* Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)
“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
* Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
* Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
* Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
* Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think,’I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”
* Jerry Seinfeld
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
* Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
* Robin Williams
These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can’t let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can’t let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.
The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he’s not going to let us in either.”