A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to enjoy the game with.
“Oh no. I can.” the guy replied. “It’s just that they’re all at the funeral.”
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, did you forget how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you
think these kids are all mine?”
A traveler asked a boy can you bring me water?
Child asked would you like to take yoghurt? Traveler said: “Sure it’s good!”
Then the child brought four glass of yoghurt and the traveler drank all and then asked: “No one at your home likes yoghurt?”
Child said: “Yes they like but today a frog fell in the yoghurt bowl, that’s why no one dare to taste it!”
Traveler broke the bowl and yelled at the child, Child also screamed and asked his mother, “Mom, he broke the bowl in which our youngest one used to pees”.
“In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno
“Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ‘Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'” —Craig Kilborn
“There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn
“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart
“Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman
“Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: “While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno
“More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno
“As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno
“In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno
“Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman
“Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart
“On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”
“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman
“Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno
“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.”
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”