A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you in and you were gone forever.
One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said, “I think. . .”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’
The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’
Politician and Scientist
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced the altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. “Excuse me… can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman replied, “You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be a Scientist,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” said the woman.
“How did you know?”
“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded. “You must be a politician.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you > expect me to solve your problem.”
She continued after a moment of silence: “The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”