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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Late To Class

Teacher: Why are you late?
Junior: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Junior: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

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Sweet Heart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

SMS

She sends him a SMS message:
– My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
– I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

Cow Bells

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

Four Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of
twins!”

“What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”

The nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of
triplets!”

“Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!”

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to
quadruplets.

“Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!”

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
what’s wrong.

“What’s wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!”

Bubba Claus

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: ”These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear ”On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, ”On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. ”Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by ”Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, ”I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’s sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ”Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ”Miracle on 34th Street” and ”It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see ”Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and ”Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ”Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s ”Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt’s ”Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” Cledus T. Judd’s ”All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s ”If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209