Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Laundry Joke

Man: I’m taking some of my old clothes to the charity shop.
Wife: Well I hope you’ve been to the launderettes, you can’t hand them in all smelly.
Man: Yes, I’ve had them washed and ironed.
Wife: I wasn’t talking about the clothes!

Latest Funny Jokes

Actual Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Bubba’s Secret

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he’s got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That’s it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”

The Parrot Joke

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot!

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”

Smart Sex

Why are men so smart during sex?

Cause they’re plugged into a genius!