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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Lawyer joke

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”

Latest Funny Jokes

Foreign Student

It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F—–g Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,”

At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke!” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah! Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”

Sweet Heart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

Paper Street

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.

“Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?” said the teacher.

“Nope. I haven’t,” said the dumb jock. “Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages.”

The Engineer and the Bike

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t