Funny Jokes
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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Light bulb

Q: How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine to stand around and say, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Latest Funny Jokes

Blonde Hiding

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife, “I think I hear something outside.”
The girls heard the door open,and they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen, and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said,”Is there anyone there?” The brunette said,”Mmmmmmmoooooo.”
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said, “Is there anyone there?” and the redhead said, “Oink oink.”
Then he went over to the potato patch and said, “Is there anyone there?” and the blonde said, “Potatooooo.”

Will prescription

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added,

“Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

Analysis of the word “Fuck”

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise — “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud — “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation — “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble — “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5) Aggression — “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust — “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion — “What the fuck…?”
8) Difficulty — “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair — “Fucked again….”
10) Pleasure — “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11) Displeasure — “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost — “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief — “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation — “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial — “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity — “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy — “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings — “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion — “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic — “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions — “Fuck off.”
22) Awe — “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal — “Motherfucker.” It can be political — “Fuck Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” — Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” — General Custer
“That’s not a real fucking gun, is it?” — John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” — Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” — Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” — Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” — Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” — Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” — Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” — Picasso
“Okay, I know… we’ll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” — Emperor of the Ch’in Dynasty
“I can’t believe I just fucking said that.” — Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” — Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” — Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” — Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” — Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” — Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” — Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” — Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” — John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I’m going to heaven?” — Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” — Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

Little Johnny in Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, 
“Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” 

“I’m in love,” the boy replied. 

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?” 

“With YOU!” he said. 

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? 
It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.” 

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

Lawyer joke

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”