How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, “I could have done it better.”
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn’t the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb’s motivation…
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.
“I want a woman,” he says.
“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I’m so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he’s made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s a car dealer and he’s doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?’
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He’s a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.
“I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.”
“Yeah?”
“And then I wished for a little head.”
Cop asks suspect questions:
– What is your DOB ?
– What’s DOB, man ?
– Your birthday.
– Oh, that. September 5th.
– What year ?
– Every year, man!
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.”
The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”
The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?” they questioned.
The Engineer said, “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”