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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

More Fun With Actors

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1) One. They hate to share the spotlight.
2) One to change it, and 99 to stand there saying, “I could have done it better.”
3) Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
4) That depends on what the script says.
5) He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
6) Doesn’t the stage manager do that?
7) Well, first I have to know the lightbulb’s motivation…
8) How many straight actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.

Latest Funny Jokes

Roswell, NM

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim that a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-clattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, in incident they say has been covered up by the government. On march 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

Where Are We

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing”

Beer Vs Girls

1) You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
2) A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
3) A beer never gets angry if you show up smelling of beer.
4) The colder a beer, the better.
5) You can always share a beer with your friends.
6) A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
7) You can choose a beer from the case and, if you change your mind, you can pick another one.

What a difference 30 years can make

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco
2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

If you were my husband…

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”