Some bad news and some very bad news
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Joe D. Days
A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to enjoy the game with.
“Oh no. I can.” the guy replied. “It’s just that they’re all at the funeral.”
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of
“What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”
The nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of
“Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!”
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to
“Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!”
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask
“What’s wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!”
Your mama’s so stupid she tried to mail a letter with a food stamp.
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”