A Man And His Giraffe
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he’s approached by the barman who says, “Hey, you’re not gonna leave that lyin’ here, are ya?”
“Hmph,” says the man, “that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
Einstein Joke, Talks With God
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”
And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”
So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replied, “In a second.”
Mr. Jones comes to Singapore to buy some cheap computers, TV sets etc.
He goes to Mr. Cheng’s shop. He enters …
Shop Assistant (SA): Can I help you
MrJ: I’d like to know the price for AT Computers.
SA: All computers 1 US$
MrJ: What ? 1 US$ a computer. I’ll take 10 pcs.
SA: Oh, you’ll take 10 pcs. That’s 1 US$.
MrJ: No you’ve made a mistake. That’s 10 US$.
SA: No, no mistake. 1 US$.
MrJ: Ok. And what’s the price for TV’s
SA: 1 US$
MrJ: I’ll take 20.
SA: Anything else ?
MrJ: Yes, and 100 HiFi Stereos please. That would be all.
SA: Oh, how nice. You pay me one dollar, please.
Mr. Jones pays him the buck and leaves. On the door he turns around and
MrJ: By the way, are you Mr. Cheng ?
SA: No, Mr. Cheng is upstairs, fucking my wife and I’m fucking his business now…
Three Drunk Women
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”.
To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!”
And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!”
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”