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Funny Jokes

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Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently “widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”

And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

Latest Funny Jokes

Upgrading

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”

Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud At Victoria’s Secret

10 – Does this come in children’s sizes?
09 – No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 – I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 – Mom will love this.
06 – Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
05 – No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
04 – Will you model this for me???
03 – The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 – Forty Five bucks?? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:

01 – Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

Turn On Your Energizer Bunny

What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny?

He keeps coming and coming and coming…

Guts

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”