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Funny Jokes

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Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently “widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do. “Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”

And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

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Mr. Jones

Mr. Jones comes to Singapore to buy some cheap computers, TV sets etc.
He goes to Mr. Cheng’s shop. He enters …
Shop Assistant (SA): Can I help you
MrJ: I’d like to know the price for AT Computers.
SA: All computers 1 US$
MrJ: What ? 1 US$ a computer. I’ll take 10 pcs.
SA: Oh, you’ll take 10 pcs. That’s 1 US$.
MrJ: No you’ve made a mistake. That’s 10 US$.
SA: No, no mistake. 1 US$.
MrJ: Ok. And what’s the price for TV’s
SA: 1 US$
MrJ: I’ll take 20.
SA: Anything else ?
MrJ: Yes, and 100 HiFi Stereos please. That would be all.
SA: Oh, how nice. You pay me one dollar, please.
Mr. Jones pays him the buck and leaves. On the door he turns around and
asks:
MrJ: By the way, are you Mr. Cheng ?
SA: No, Mr. Cheng is upstairs, fucking my wife and I’m fucking his business now…

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

Months of the year

Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery

Strong Pills

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that`s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”