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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

No Brakes

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

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Call on an Expert

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.

Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.

Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!”

The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Long talk

One teen-age boy to another: “My Dad had a long talk with me about girls last night. He doesn’t know anything about them, either.”

Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
“Let’s see your fishing license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

Two drunks

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”