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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

No Brakes

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

Latest Funny Jokes

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A: A cloud.

Foreign Student

It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F—–g Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,”

At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke!” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now who said that?”

Again, Suzuki says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah! Suck this!”

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”

Sweet Heart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Doggy Style

There were three dogs at a veternarian’s office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I’m getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners’ new rug.”
The first dog said, “I know how you feel — I’m getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner’s new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you’re getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I’m getting my nails clipped.”

Cow Disease

Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they’re pigs.