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Funny Jokes

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Olmos Dunn

A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn’t called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ”It is in the middle of the park.” So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center.

He knocked on the door and said, ”Are you Olmos Dunn?”

A voice came from inside, ”Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Translating Male Phrases

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means… “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means… “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means… “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

Hearing Vs. Listening

What a woman says:

Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears:

C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

The Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh, my dog’s leash goes slack.”

The Perfect Husband

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”