A Blonde Brain
A guy goes online looking for brains. He sees a red head brain for $2,000, a brunette brain for $1,000, and a blonde brain for $6,000.
The guy asks his friend why the blonde brain is so much and his friend said, “Because it’s never been used.”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”
Say “I don’t know, give me a minute.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: “AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn’t familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,”Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies, thinking isn’t that obvious?
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.