Change a light bulb
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Paper Street
One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.
“Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?” said the teacher.
“Nope. I haven’t,” said the dumb jock. “Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages.”
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Foreign Student
It was the first day of school (in US) and a new student, Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death?’” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “F—–g Japanese.” “Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982,”
At that point, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna puke!” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says “George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah! Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”
Honey i’m late
A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some
more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door
he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room, he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
Driving Instructor
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. “I’m thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England,” he said.
“What on earth for?” his wife asked.
“It might make them feel good to see what it’s like to drive on the left side of the road-legally.”
Teacher
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.