Funny Jokes
Send a Joke

Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Pharmacy

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, then so does she.”

Latest

Irish in Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”

Yo momma is so stupid

Yo momma is so stupid, she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mamma is so stupid she thought taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was “illegitiment” because she couldn’t read.

Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo momma so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M;’s in alphabetical order!

Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo momma so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911”.

Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”

Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?”, she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.

Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.

Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo momma so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.

Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo momma so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.

Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.

Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.

Yo momma so stupid she couldn’t read an audio book.

Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.

Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying “Hi! Hitler”.

Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus .

Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.

Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.

Yo momma so stupid She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said “Disneyworld Left” so she went home.

Friend from planet Zog!

(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*

A Manager’s Decision Making

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

Loopholes

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.
She rushed in and said, “What is it, honey?”
He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.
The wife was curious, so she asked, “What are you doing, honey?”
He shouted “I`m looking for loopholes!”