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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says, “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

Latest Animal Jokes

Little Nancy’s Pet

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Who’s That Dog?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ”Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.” As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” The old man muttered, ”Ain’t my dog.”

Maestro

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This ones $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said.
“Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?”
“This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.”
“And the other?” said the customer.
“This one can sing Wagners entire Ring cycle. Theres another one inthe back room for $30,000.”
“Holy moly! What does that one do?”
“Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him Maestro.”

The Better Bull

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

Grapes

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” and again the clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

The clerk says, “No, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk says no. The duck says, “Good. Do you have any grapes?”