It’s your turn
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”. “I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my lawn mowed.”
Finish the start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Who keeps the ocean clean?
Q: Who keeps the ocean clean?
A: The mermaid.
3 Wishes for a Cowboy
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
“My God, I was riding the mare!”
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. “I’m thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England,” he said.
“What on earth for?” his wife asked.
“It might make them feel good to see what it’s like to drive on the left side of the road-legally.”