Out of T.P.
A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ”He isn’t here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.” By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ”You’re sure he isn’t here?”
The bartender says, ”Yes, I’m very sure.”
The lady says, ”Well, I just wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the women’s restroom.”
1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
True friends and best friends
What is the difference between a true
friend and a best friend?
True friend is the person who helps
you up when you fall…. a best friend
is the person peeing in their pants on the
floor because they are the ones who tripped
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”
When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.
One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor said that he had 10 days to 2 weeks left to live. Moishe said, ‘Dr. I’ve done good things all my life. All I ever wanted was to win the lottery, just once!’ The doctor said, ‘Sorry Moishe, you’re gonna die.’ So Moishe went to his church and prayed. He said, ‘God, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Just once.’ The ceiling opened up and a light shined down upon Moishe and a deep booming voice said, ‘Moishe, try buying a ticket.’