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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Roswell, NM

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim that a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-clattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, in incident they say has been covered up by the government. On march 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

Latest Funny Jokes

Black Eyes

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
“What happened, my child?”

“I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”

“Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”

“Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”

True friends and best friends

What is the difference between a true
friend and a best friend?

True friend is the person who helps
you up when you fall…. a best friend
is the person peeing in their pants on the
floor because they are the ones who tripped
you!!!

Shopping More Interesting

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,’I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.

5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.

6. Move ‘CAUTION WET FLOOR’ signs to carpetted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone?’

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti depressant prescriptions?

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again’.

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ……’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!

Musical Movie Stars

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

“Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”

“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.

“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.

“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.

Police cars

Q: ‘Why does police drive white/blue cars with red/blue lights with a big police sign in the back?’
A: ‘So they don’t chase each other..’