Texas Oil Man
“Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce,” the big Texan boomed to his attorney. “That wife of mine ain’t behavin’ right. She’s MY woman and she’s supposed to do what I say.”
“Well, R.J., a wife isn’t exactly property, you know,” the lawyer said. “You don’t own her the way you own an oil well.”
“Maybe not,” R.J. conceded, “but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights.”
Mr. Jones comes to Singapore to buy some cheap computers, TV sets etc.
He goes to Mr. Cheng’s shop. He enters …
Shop Assistant (SA): Can I help you
MrJ: I’d like to know the price for AT Computers.
SA: All computers 1 US$
MrJ: What ? 1 US$ a computer. I’ll take 10 pcs.
SA: Oh, you’ll take 10 pcs. That’s 1 US$.
MrJ: No you’ve made a mistake. That’s 10 US$.
SA: No, no mistake. 1 US$.
MrJ: Ok. And what’s the price for TV’s
SA: 1 US$
MrJ: I’ll take 20.
SA: Anything else ?
MrJ: Yes, and 100 HiFi Stereos please. That would be all.
SA: Oh, how nice. You pay me one dollar, please.
Mr. Jones pays him the buck and leaves. On the door he turns around and
MrJ: By the way, are you Mr. Cheng ?
SA: No, Mr. Cheng is upstairs, fucking my wife and I’m fucking his business now…
Why I Am So Tired
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you’re sitting there reading jokes.
What a difference 30 years can make
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
Four Catholic Women
Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.
“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”
The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”
The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”
The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”
The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”