The Helpful Wife
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Holy Lottery
One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor said that he had 10 days to 2 weeks left to live. Moishe said, ‘Dr. I’ve done good things all my life. All I ever wanted was to win the lottery, just once!’ The doctor said, ‘Sorry Moishe, you’re gonna die.’ So Moishe went to his church and prayed. He said, ‘God, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Just once.’ The ceiling opened up and a light shined down upon Moishe and a deep booming voice said, ‘Moishe, try buying a ticket.’
Magic Mirror
Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you in and you were gone forever.
One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.
The brunette looked in and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.
The blonde looked in and said, “I think. . .”
ZAP!
Piece of Ass
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in is mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”
“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.”
That’s when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!!”
Four Catholic Women
Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.
“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”
The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”
The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”
The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”
The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”
