A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. “I’m thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England,” he said.
“What on earth for?” his wife asked.
“It might make them feel good to see what it’s like to drive on the left side of the road-legally.”
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
If you were my husband…
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”