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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

SMS

She sends him a SMS message:
– My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
– I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

Latest Funny Jokes

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The dog

A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says,
“Poor thing look at the dog with one eye.”
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says “Where?”

Redneck Top Ten

1) You’ve ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
2) Your wife’s hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house — and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You’ve lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator — and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Bright Side

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

Bear Chase

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing?”

He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”

The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”