Joe D. Days
A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to enjoy the game with.
“Oh no. I can.” the guy replied. “It’s just that they’re all at the funeral.”
Q: What do elves learn in school?
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Blind Skydiver
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered, “Oh, my dog’s leash goes slack.”
Blonde Hiding
One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead snuck into a farm.
The farmer said to his wife, “I think I hear something outside.”
The girls heard the door open,and they all ran in different directions.
The brunette ran into the cow pen. The redhead ran into the pig pen, and the blonde ran into the potato patch.
The farmer went to the cow pen and said,”Is there anyone there?” The brunette said,”Mmmmmmmoooooo.”
Then he went over to the pig pen and the farmer said, “Is there anyone there?” and the redhead said, “Oink oink.”
Then he went over to the potato patch and said, “Is there anyone there?” and the blonde said, “Potatooooo.”
Drinking
Two drunks are making conversation at the bar:
-Tell me, how does your wife reacts when you come home drunk?
– I’m not married!
– And why are you drinking?
