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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Latest Funny Jokes

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Piece of Ass

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in is mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”

“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.

“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.”

That’s when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!!”

Blonde Goes to School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl asked.

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy Mommy!” she yelled, “We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m Blonde, Mommy?”

“No Honey, Its because you’re 24.”

Donations To The United Way

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

“Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way.”

The lawyer said, “First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh, no.”

“Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, “Uh, no.”

“Third, do you realize that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?”

The United Way rep was humiliated. “No, sir. I had no idea.”

The lawyer concluded, “Well, then. If I don’t give any money to them, why do you think I’d give any to you?!”

Black Eyes

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
“What happened, my child?”

“I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”

“Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”

“Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”