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Funny Jokes

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Strong Pills

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that`s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Life’s Reflections

1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. “If you love me, you’ll swallow” has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
8. 2 people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names.
9. The word ‘commitment’ doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there’s no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.

Ring my bell

In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.

“I want a woman,” he says.

“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Where’s My Pajamas?

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”