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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Success

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.

Latest Funny Jokes

What’s the matter with you?

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

Control freaks

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men were dumbfounded.

“Wow! What happened next?” they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

Indian’s Island

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

* No Taxes…
* No Debt…
* Plenty Buffalo…
* Plenty beaver!
* Women did most of the work.
* Medicine Man free!
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
* White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Overworked

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes and I am adding jokes to this website!

Upgrading

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.