Bungee Jumping in Mexico
Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn’t able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, “Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?”
Bob looks confused and says, “No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?”
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ’politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ’many’ and ’tics’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Childrens Games
A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom, can little girs have babies?”
The mom answers, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs outside, yelling, “It’s ok, we can play the game again!”
Bear Chase
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing?”
He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”
The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”
Finish the start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
