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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Texas Oil Man

“Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce,” the big Texan boomed to his attorney. “That wife of mine ain’t behavin’ right. She’s MY woman and she’s supposed to do what I say.”
“Well, R.J., a wife isn’t exactly property, you know,” the lawyer said. “You don’t own her the way you own an oil well.”

“Maybe not,” R.J. conceded, “but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights.”

Latest Funny Jokes

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Made In Canada

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?

French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.

What is yellow and dangerous?

Q: What is yellow and dangerous?

A: Pike infested custard.

Ring my bell

In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.

“I want a woman,” he says.

“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Old Lady Makes Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets.”

The president replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “For example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” says the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet.”

The old lady says, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” says the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady says, “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?”

“Sure,” says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president’s balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

“Well, OK” says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, “What is wrong with your lawyer?”

She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have The Bank of America’s president’s balls in my hands!”