Funny Jokes

Stories

What do peanut butter and jelly do around the campfire?
They tell toast stories.

1000 Dollar Tattoo

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”

Texas Oil Man

“Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce,” the big Texan boomed to his attorney. “That wife of mine ain’t behavin’ right. She’s MY woman and she’s supposed to do what I say.”
“Well, R.J., a wife isn’t exactly property, you know,” the lawyer said. “You don’t own her the way you own an oil well.”

“Maybe not,” R.J. conceded, “but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights.”

Upgrading

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

Late To Class

Teacher: Why are you late?
Junior: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Junior: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”