Four Catholic Women
Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.
“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”
The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”
The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”
The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”
The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”
If I Had A Hammer
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ”You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”
He Broke The Bowl
A traveler asked a boy can you bring me water?
Child asked would you like to take yoghurt? Traveler said: “Sure it’s good!”
Then the child brought four glass of yoghurt and the traveler drank all and then asked: “No one at your home likes yoghurt?”
Child said: “Yes they like but today a frog fell in the yoghurt bowl, that’s why no one dare to taste it!”
Traveler broke the bowl and yelled at the child, Child also screamed and asked his mother, “Mom, he broke the bowl in which our youngest one used to pees”.
Translating Male Phrases
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means… “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means… “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means… “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
Q: How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine to stand around and say, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”