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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

The Farmer Joke

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife
fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Latest Funny Jokes

What is yellow and dangerous?

Q: What is yellow and dangerous?

A: Pike infested custard.

Donations To The United Way

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

“Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way.”

The lawyer said, “First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Uh, no.”

“Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, “Uh, no.”

“Third, do you realize that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?”

The United Way rep was humiliated. “No, sir. I had no idea.”

The lawyer concluded, “Well, then. If I don’t give any money to them, why do you think I’d give any to you?!”

Former Doctor

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Life’s Reflections

1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.