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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

The Farmer Joke

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife
fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Latest Funny Jokes

The well behaved son

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn’t he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

Analysis of the word “Fuck”

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise — “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud — “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation — “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble — “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5) Aggression — “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust — “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion — “What the fuck…?”
8) Difficulty — “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair — “Fucked again….”
10) Pleasure — “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11) Displeasure — “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost — “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief — “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation — “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial — “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity — “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy — “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings — “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion — “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic — “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions — “Fuck off.”
22) Awe — “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal — “Motherfucker.” It can be political — “Fuck Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” — Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” — General Custer
“That’s not a real fucking gun, is it?” — John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” — Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” — Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” — Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” — Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” — Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” — Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” — Picasso
“Okay, I know… we’ll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” — Emperor of the Ch’in Dynasty
“I can’t believe I just fucking said that.” — Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” — Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” — Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” — Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” — Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” — Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” — Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” — Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” — John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I’m going to heaven?” — Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” — Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”

Beer Vs Girls

1) You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
2) A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
3) A beer never gets angry if you show up smelling of beer.
4) The colder a beer, the better.
5) You can always share a beer with your friends.
6) A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
7) You can choose a beer from the case and, if you change your mind, you can pick another one.