A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, asks the police officer. I’m
a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act. Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it, says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his
wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.
Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone.
Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”
The boy replied, “Minnesota sir.”
“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really?,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!!”
The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”
One day a father called his 6 children together and asked,
“Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?”
In one voice they all replied, “You, Daddy!”
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
2. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in California.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because she thought there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She said, “In the lake.”
7. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
8. In fact, statistically 100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.
9. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to interrupt her.
11. I’ll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I answered, “Dust!”
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”