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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

The well behaved son

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn’t he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

Latest Funny Jokes

Starring Insult

If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”

Say “I don’t know, give me a minute.”

Nagging wife vs. drunk driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

Texas Oil Man

“Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce,” the big Texan boomed to his attorney. “That wife of mine ain’t behavin’ right. She’s MY woman and she’s supposed to do what I say.”
“Well, R.J., a wife isn’t exactly property, you know,” the lawyer said. “You don’t own her the way you own an oil well.”

“Maybe not,” R.J. conceded, “but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights.”

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.