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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Latest Funny Jokes

Traffic Stop

1st Officer: “Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?”
2nd Officer: “Who?”
1st Officer: “Janet Jackson!”
2nd Officer: “What she do, was she speeding?”
1st Officer: “Nah, she had one headlight out.”

What is yellow and dangerous?

Q: What is yellow and dangerous?

A: Pike infested custard.

Lost my testicles

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

Dictionary or octopus?

Q: What do man and women have when they do work on the bed?

A: A dicktionary and an octopussy.

Doctor and Patient

Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone.

Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.