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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Tickets

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

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Lost my testicles

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

Light bulb

Q: How many Hollywood actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

If I Had A Hammer

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ”You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”

The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”

The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”

The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”

Young Couple

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

”Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.”

”That must have hurt,” said the judge.

”No kidding,” said the best man. ”I broke three of my fingers.”

What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!