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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Tips for marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

2. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in California.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because she thought there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She said, “In the lake.”

7. Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

8. In fact, statistically 100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.

9. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

10. I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to interrupt her.

11. I’ll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I answered, “Dust!”

Latest Funny Jokes

Former Doctor

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

Four Catholic Women

Four Catholic women were having tea one afternoon. One of the women placed her cup down and started a conversation.

“Ladies, my son became a priest last week. When he walks into a room, people call him ‘FATHER'”

The second Catholic lady then placed her cup down and looked at the first lady. “Well, my son has been a bishop for a few months now. When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR GRACE'”

The third Catholic lady places her cup down and shakes her head. “You ladies are so silly! My son has been a cardinal for years! When he walks into the room, people say ‘YOUR EMINENCE!'”

The last Catholic woman remained quiet, pretending to be uninterested in their conversations. The other three looked at her and asked “Well …?”

The last woman placed her cup down and looked at the other three. “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard-bodied stripper. Then HE walks into a room, people scream ‘OH MY GOD!'”

2 men on an ladder

“Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!”
“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”
“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

I would Rather Have a Puppy

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I’d rather have a puppy instead!”

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”