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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Toilet Paper

A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.” The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like poop.” The little old lady said, “It is! Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Latest Funny Jokes

Cow Disease

Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they’re pigs.

Interviewing 3 Old Men

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked. The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”

“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“I’m 93,” said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. “I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”

“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.

“I’m 91,” said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. “I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.” 

“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”

“29,” replied the third man.

Bubba’s Secret

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he’s got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That’s it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”

Months of the year

Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery

A Drunks Dog

A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar,”Whose dog is tied up out front?”
The drunk responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?”
“Well she’s in heat,” says the cop.”
“Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.”
“That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.”
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen buddy! You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate.”
“Oh, go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”